Somewhere in an Indian metro, a decade or two back, there was this family. It was nearabout this time of the year; Diwali; time to buy things for the house. That particular year was about getting a VCR (remember?). Buying the big, flat, black box was one thing. And using it was quite another.
There were all these little buttons and knobs and dials and god-knows-whats. The family was lost. And then, voila! They found the manual. Saved! Well, partly at least. The bits in English helped. The bits in Japanese looked more useful though.
This is where we come to the what’s-the-point highway café common to most of my posts. You can see ‘Blaze of Glory’ and ‘The Cleansing’ catching a coffee in that corner.
The point. We all need manuals, for some or most things we do these days (life is getting complex, isn’t it? But then, that’s another post). Some manuals come in these booklets with the information in half a dozen languages. Some manuals are stored in the balding, graying heads of an older generation that seems to forget everything but manualese. Some manuals are created on the fly, as you figure out your way of doing it. And because you are so proud of your way, it becomes the Holy Grail. It too becomes a manual.
There are three i-words that I hold very dear. Apart from the plain ‘I’ that is. These words are: instinct, impulse and intuition.
Now there are some who will raise a polite, tentative finger and ask; excuse me, but weren’t we talking about manuals? Patience, my friend.
Like I was saying, instinct, impulse and intuition. These are words that are linked to the plain ‘I’. The me, rather. These are words that have told me what to do. These are words that have shaped my life, that have shaped me. These words never needed a manual. And furthermore, they did not insist on being manualised either. Because, like evanescent angels, they appeared when I needed them, and then they shimmered away, gone with the moment that was theirs. Their wisdom, their beauty was not meant to be captured and hammered into someone else. Those someone elses would just have to find their own i-sets.
Thank you for indulging my erratic meandering. Getting back to manuals… There are times I have used manuals. There are times I have figured it out without a cryptic booklet to tell me how. And there are times when I have gone plain against every Holy Grail manual and every one of the walking-talking grey haired variety too. There are times when the manuals have shook their collective heads sadly and said, ‘tch tch’. There are times, when the manuals (still getting over their surprise that I managed to pull off a Lebowski) have said, ‘Ah, I told you so.’ Oh yes, the manual is always right.
You do things. Simple things like brushing your teeth, you figure out the how, even if you forget the when at times. Complex things involve lots of other things you need to do. And this is where manuals come in to tell you how to get these things done. The books are alright. They suggest, and don’t take offense if you decide to strike out on your own. The other manuals… well, they take some handling. And there is no manual on how to do that.
The point is that you do the things that you do. A lot of them are based on conventional wisdom and you can listen to the manuals. Some of them though need some improvisation. You didn’t come out of a mould, and neither did your life. Manuals don’t work all the time. What these things need is the i-factor. Remember? Instinct, etcetera… Yes, those ones. That’s what you need.
But what about the manuals? Won’t they be offended?
Well, go on and look like you’re reading the manual. You could even pretend to be trying out some of the steps. But with the really important things in life, what you really should be doing, is figuring it out by yourself. The I way.
By the way, if it works well for you (which I hope it does), please do not manual it on someone else.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Blaze of Glory?
As Mastersmith Silvus used to say, “… always set the context. You never know what form words will take if you do not set the context. Words are like a dragon. Till you have forged the reigns and the whip, do not set the dragon loose. Or you just might burn for your sins!” At that, he would burst out into booming laughter. He was a strange one. Things he found funny could well send a sheaf of shivers down your spine. But then, he was right. Context is indeed important, and I shall provide it.
I actually quoted myself! Can’t tell you how kicked I am at that!
Well, the point is that this exercise is a little strange, and without context, it will seem like I have indeed gone over the fine line between insanity and eccentricity that I have been staggering along this past decade. So here goes the context.
Like most of us do, I went through the standard rebel phase. And during those abrasive, reckless and glorious years, Bon Jovi’s ‘Blaze of Glory’ was one of my anthems.
Yes.
I know.
Well, I just listened to the song after a long time (as in listened properly, letting the lyrics sink in), and had a rather strange dialogue running in my head. I thought I’d just write it out. I’ve written out the song by verse, as it plays, and followed up the verses with my meandering rumination.
---
I wake up in the morning
And I raise my weary head
I got an old coat for a pillow
And the earth was last night’s bed
I don’t know where I’m going
Only God knows where I’ve been
I’m a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind
I wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head. I’ve got two pillows for a pillow (and a resultant crick in the neck), and two stuffed mattresses for a bed (I’m not a bed-bed person). I know I’m going to work. And I vaguely remember having been to a party last night. I’m not the devil but am still on the run. I’m inherently restless and move cities every year. I can manage an air-pistol but have never handled a six gun. And I’m a li’l too robust to be a candle in the wind, no matter how much I’ve fluttered and threatened to go out.
When you’re brought into this world
They say you’re born in sin
Well at least they gave me something
I didn’t have to steal or have to win
Well they tell me that I’m wanted
Yeah I’m a wanted man
I’m colt in your stable
I’m what Cain was to Abel
Mister, catch me if you can
I was born a Hindu, and then lost my religion (along with my faith). So sin doesn’t work as a concept for me. Mom and Dad have been great, and I got the start I needed to make it in life. Head-hunters from recruitment agencies tell me I’m wanted, but then corporate desire never turned me on. I’ve never been a horse (or been on a horse either). I did write an entry about burying my (figurative alter-ego) brother but then he was more Cainish. I am not very good at running and you probably will catch me if you tried (though why you would want to, I have no clue!)
(chorus)
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Lord I never drew first
But I drew first blood
I’m no one’s son
Call me young gun
I’m not going down, yet. I’m just 27 and hope to make it through another 27, at least. I’m not up for the grabs, but I’m ok with telling you the truth, if it’s any of your business. I reiterate, I’m not going down. I’ve never been involved in a shootout. And though I have been in a couple of fights, I never struck the first blow. My dad would be offended if I said I was no one’s son. And I’m not really very young or much of a gun.
You ask about my conscience
And I offer you my soul
You ask if I’ll grow to be a wise man
Well I ask if I’ll grow old
You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well, I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain
I do have a conscience. And in the absence of religion or the divine being as a guiding light, my conscience is all that keeps me from becoming a monster. I’m not too convinced about the soul concept. I don’t know about wise, but there are days when I definitely feel pretty old. I’ve known love, yes. And I’ve lost love too. But then, love has a habit of coming back, just when you give up on it. And that faith (or hope) has kept me going with pockets of redemption every now and then to fuel it a bit further.
(chorus repeat)
Having refuted the statements, I maintain stoic silence through the second rendition of the chorus.
Each night I go to bed
I pray the lord my soul to keep
No I ain’t looking for forgiveness
But before I’m six foot deep
Lord, i got to ask a favor
And Ill hope you’ll understand
Cos I’ve lived life to the fullest
Let the boy die like a man
Staring down the bullet
Let me make my final stand
I go to bed most nights. Sometimes, it’s morning by the time I crash. I don’t talk much to God, or even overtly acknowledge His (or Her) presence. I have asked for forgiveness when I have wronged people. And I’d like to be buried at sea when I die (and hopefully, a few leagues down and not just six feet deep). I’ve never seen the point in asking Him favours. I have indeed lived life to the fullest (when I could), and done the best I could at other times. I have been a man for some time (I was a boy before, for those who’re considering the possibility of a sex-change), and don’t have grandiose notions of dying to prove my ‘manhood’. I think it’s a biological fact that should be accepted and let be. And I hope like I hell I don’t get shot. I’ve heard it can be really painful, especially if the bullet hits the bone.
(chorus repeat)
One last time. I am not going down. I am not violent. I am not (very) young. And I don’t like the thought of being called a gun. Period.
---
What is the point? Well… I wish I could go back 10 years to my rebelling self and tell him to take it easy. I wish I could ask him to choose another anthem, even if it was a Bon Jovi one (my current favourite is ‘Someday I’ll be Saturday Night’). I wish I could tell him that life will turn out to be a bit boring with no shootouts and posses chasing him; but it would be peaceful enough with double-mattresses and other nice things to prop it up. It’s not the blaze of glory at the end that’s so important, but the comforting flame that will keep him going all his life… all my life. He didn’t know it back then. I’m glad I do, now.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
I actually quoted myself! Can’t tell you how kicked I am at that!
Well, the point is that this exercise is a little strange, and without context, it will seem like I have indeed gone over the fine line between insanity and eccentricity that I have been staggering along this past decade. So here goes the context.
Like most of us do, I went through the standard rebel phase. And during those abrasive, reckless and glorious years, Bon Jovi’s ‘Blaze of Glory’ was one of my anthems.
Yes.
I know.
Well, I just listened to the song after a long time (as in listened properly, letting the lyrics sink in), and had a rather strange dialogue running in my head. I thought I’d just write it out. I’ve written out the song by verse, as it plays, and followed up the verses with my meandering rumination.
---
I wake up in the morning
And I raise my weary head
I got an old coat for a pillow
And the earth was last night’s bed
I don’t know where I’m going
Only God knows where I’ve been
I’m a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind
I wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head. I’ve got two pillows for a pillow (and a resultant crick in the neck), and two stuffed mattresses for a bed (I’m not a bed-bed person). I know I’m going to work. And I vaguely remember having been to a party last night. I’m not the devil but am still on the run. I’m inherently restless and move cities every year. I can manage an air-pistol but have never handled a six gun. And I’m a li’l too robust to be a candle in the wind, no matter how much I’ve fluttered and threatened to go out.
When you’re brought into this world
They say you’re born in sin
Well at least they gave me something
I didn’t have to steal or have to win
Well they tell me that I’m wanted
Yeah I’m a wanted man
I’m colt in your stable
I’m what Cain was to Abel
Mister, catch me if you can
I was born a Hindu, and then lost my religion (along with my faith). So sin doesn’t work as a concept for me. Mom and Dad have been great, and I got the start I needed to make it in life. Head-hunters from recruitment agencies tell me I’m wanted, but then corporate desire never turned me on. I’ve never been a horse (or been on a horse either). I did write an entry about burying my (figurative alter-ego) brother but then he was more Cainish. I am not very good at running and you probably will catch me if you tried (though why you would want to, I have no clue!)
(chorus)
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Lord I never drew first
But I drew first blood
I’m no one’s son
Call me young gun
I’m not going down, yet. I’m just 27 and hope to make it through another 27, at least. I’m not up for the grabs, but I’m ok with telling you the truth, if it’s any of your business. I reiterate, I’m not going down. I’ve never been involved in a shootout. And though I have been in a couple of fights, I never struck the first blow. My dad would be offended if I said I was no one’s son. And I’m not really very young or much of a gun.
You ask about my conscience
And I offer you my soul
You ask if I’ll grow to be a wise man
Well I ask if I’ll grow old
You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well, I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain
I do have a conscience. And in the absence of religion or the divine being as a guiding light, my conscience is all that keeps me from becoming a monster. I’m not too convinced about the soul concept. I don’t know about wise, but there are days when I definitely feel pretty old. I’ve known love, yes. And I’ve lost love too. But then, love has a habit of coming back, just when you give up on it. And that faith (or hope) has kept me going with pockets of redemption every now and then to fuel it a bit further.
(chorus repeat)
Having refuted the statements, I maintain stoic silence through the second rendition of the chorus.
Each night I go to bed
I pray the lord my soul to keep
No I ain’t looking for forgiveness
But before I’m six foot deep
Lord, i got to ask a favor
And Ill hope you’ll understand
Cos I’ve lived life to the fullest
Let the boy die like a man
Staring down the bullet
Let me make my final stand
I go to bed most nights. Sometimes, it’s morning by the time I crash. I don’t talk much to God, or even overtly acknowledge His (or Her) presence. I have asked for forgiveness when I have wronged people. And I’d like to be buried at sea when I die (and hopefully, a few leagues down and not just six feet deep). I’ve never seen the point in asking Him favours. I have indeed lived life to the fullest (when I could), and done the best I could at other times. I have been a man for some time (I was a boy before, for those who’re considering the possibility of a sex-change), and don’t have grandiose notions of dying to prove my ‘manhood’. I think it’s a biological fact that should be accepted and let be. And I hope like I hell I don’t get shot. I’ve heard it can be really painful, especially if the bullet hits the bone.
(chorus repeat)
One last time. I am not going down. I am not violent. I am not (very) young. And I don’t like the thought of being called a gun. Period.
---
What is the point? Well… I wish I could go back 10 years to my rebelling self and tell him to take it easy. I wish I could ask him to choose another anthem, even if it was a Bon Jovi one (my current favourite is ‘Someday I’ll be Saturday Night’). I wish I could tell him that life will turn out to be a bit boring with no shootouts and posses chasing him; but it would be peaceful enough with double-mattresses and other nice things to prop it up. It’s not the blaze of glory at the end that’s so important, but the comforting flame that will keep him going all his life… all my life. He didn’t know it back then. I’m glad I do, now.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
Move Along
Take five minutes to do this… But do this.
Close your eyes (after you have read this paragraph). Think of the best memories you have had. Over the last five years. Every intense, beautiful moment where you felt you wanted to stay right there in that time and place forever. Some of them might be linked other memories you want to forget. Some of them might have turned to bitter ashes over time. Some of them might be part of who you are today and what you still have (lucky you!). But try and isolate those memories for the sheer beauty and happiness they brought you back when they happened. Ready? Close your eyes now…
No, really. Close your eyes and do this. You can read on when you’re done.
…
Welcome back, stranger. I don’t know the mood you’re in or what those memories were. I don’t know what you’re feeling either. But there is something I want to say to you that needs you to be in the frame of mind you are in now.
That smile, that tear (funny how you have shed tears so often in the most beautiful moments in your life), that precious little ache in the heart, that all-pervading feeling of blissful happiness, that rush of adrenalin which for that one moment actually took you to the top of the world, that intense desire to clutch on to the moment for all you’re worth… Did it all come back? Even for an instant, did you at least feel the fleeting ghost of those glorious emotions?
If yes, then you are where I want you to be; in this happy, nostalgic place where you remember just how beautiful life can be. And before you slip into the melancholy that comes from the realization of what you’ve lost (or the satisfaction of gloating over what you have), let me tell you something.
There is more.
Much more.
It might not be bigger and better (or new and improved!), but it will still be intense and beautiful. Life is putting together a whole new bouquet of these moments for you. But if you are too lost in reminiscing over faded, brittle skeletons of dead flowers in the scrapbooks of your past, you might just miss out on picking up those heady blossoms that life throws at you to fill up your present. The beauty that you felt in those moments you remembered in the five minutes is over and done with. It will come back at times and pass you by like an angelic vision you can appreciate but can never possess. But you do realise, it is gone.
Life goes on. For every divorce, there will be ten weddings. For every funeral, there will be a hundred celebrations of birth. For every memory that you have, there are a thousand more experiences that might still be.
Life does go on. And it tries to take you with it. But if you’re clutching on to that thorny husk of a memory long dead, with your eyes screwed shut to everything else… you might just miss the train to something new that awaits you. So open your eyes, unclench your cramped limbs, stretch… and move along. Life is waiting for you.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
Close your eyes (after you have read this paragraph). Think of the best memories you have had. Over the last five years. Every intense, beautiful moment where you felt you wanted to stay right there in that time and place forever. Some of them might be linked other memories you want to forget. Some of them might have turned to bitter ashes over time. Some of them might be part of who you are today and what you still have (lucky you!). But try and isolate those memories for the sheer beauty and happiness they brought you back when they happened. Ready? Close your eyes now…
No, really. Close your eyes and do this. You can read on when you’re done.
…
Welcome back, stranger. I don’t know the mood you’re in or what those memories were. I don’t know what you’re feeling either. But there is something I want to say to you that needs you to be in the frame of mind you are in now.
That smile, that tear (funny how you have shed tears so often in the most beautiful moments in your life), that precious little ache in the heart, that all-pervading feeling of blissful happiness, that rush of adrenalin which for that one moment actually took you to the top of the world, that intense desire to clutch on to the moment for all you’re worth… Did it all come back? Even for an instant, did you at least feel the fleeting ghost of those glorious emotions?
If yes, then you are where I want you to be; in this happy, nostalgic place where you remember just how beautiful life can be. And before you slip into the melancholy that comes from the realization of what you’ve lost (or the satisfaction of gloating over what you have), let me tell you something.
There is more.
Much more.
It might not be bigger and better (or new and improved!), but it will still be intense and beautiful. Life is putting together a whole new bouquet of these moments for you. But if you are too lost in reminiscing over faded, brittle skeletons of dead flowers in the scrapbooks of your past, you might just miss out on picking up those heady blossoms that life throws at you to fill up your present. The beauty that you felt in those moments you remembered in the five minutes is over and done with. It will come back at times and pass you by like an angelic vision you can appreciate but can never possess. But you do realise, it is gone.
Life goes on. For every divorce, there will be ten weddings. For every funeral, there will be a hundred celebrations of birth. For every memory that you have, there are a thousand more experiences that might still be.
Life does go on. And it tries to take you with it. But if you’re clutching on to that thorny husk of a memory long dead, with your eyes screwed shut to everything else… you might just miss the train to something new that awaits you. So open your eyes, unclench your cramped limbs, stretch… and move along. Life is waiting for you.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Goodbye My Brother...
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing.
Every day brings a new farewell to you. Sometimes, you just kiss yesterday goodbye as you rub the sleep from your eyes. Sometimes you cling on to the beauty of the night as the day pries your eyes open with vulgar brightness. And sometimes, you kiss that someone special goodbye after a night that might never come again.
Every bit of newness in life replaces something old. There is only so much your life can take without bursting at the seams. Sometimes, a flood of novelty washes over you, flushing the dusty nostalgia from the crevices of your memory. At other times, one li’l intense newcomer in your heart bursts like a supernova, shattering mammoth pillars that have held the canopy of your sanity up all your life.
Slowly, with the grace of an ageing beauty, or quickly, with the haste of a trapped urchin, snatches of your life disappear forever, leaving behind traces of evanescent fragrance or an unpleasant stench that will always linger. People, places, habits… all parts of your life. But eventually, most of them go. And if they don’t, finally the day comes when you win the leaving game, and depart for good.
As you see the mists close on the retreating elements of your life, do take a moment to bid them farewell. Therein lies beauty, even if it’s poignant. You might be able to hold on to that bit of wisdom, even if the experience you put away gently is ugly. People might leave for good, but the memories will stay. And those memories will bring so much more joy, if you have just managed to get your goodbye right.
I guess this is my farewell. To a me who has been me for all these years. He has been tough, inimitable and intense. He has persevered where I might have failed. He has fought battles I would never have survived. He has lived my life when I couldn’t quite manage to.
My friend, the war is over. The times that lie ahead do not need your cynicism or rage. They do not need your cold practicality or your dispassionate analysis. They do not need you.
You have stood me in good stead. But it is time to say goodbye. To all that you have been and all that you have done to rebuild my life from the shambles it was. The poet has slept for long enough, and it is time he took over his life again. And you must retire. I promise to remember you. In my musings, in my outbursts, in my tales, in my dreams. With a grateful heart, I clasp your hand, and lay you to sleep. With a twinge in my heart, I bid you farewell.
Goodnight my friend.
Goodbye my brother.
Cogito Ergo Vivum
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)