She

Disclaimer: There are men who have never bothered to ponder, and there are others who claim to be masters of the female race, cognisant of their every whim and vagary. The writer does not try to even acknowledge these poor men in his musings below.

Every once in a while, every man sits down to ruminate on that one fantastic concept that he just can’t get his mind around. She. She is a part of his life from his life to his death. The roles vary, as do the relationships. He sees different sides to Her, and wonders time and again; how, why, what. The questions plague him and the answers rarely appear unless She chooses to enlighten him. And even then, it need not make sense. And more often than not, even then, it does not make sense.

This whimsical creature called She has touched me in so many ways, right from my infancy to my recently concluded Premature Midlife Crisis. There has been unconditional love, silent acceptance, infinite patience, enduring amity and breathtaking passion. There also has been heartless cruelty, illogical eccentricity, infuriating obstinacy, mind-numbing inanity and inexplicable bewilderment. I have felt these emotions otherwise too, but it is She who has shown me what it is to really feel any and all of these feelings.

At times by chance, at times by choice; there are so many ways She has been part of my life. She has been my mother, my sister, my friend and my lover. She has made me, broken me and rebuilt me a hundred times. She has abandoned me to my end and yet been there for me through times when no man could have helped.

I haven’t been passive through all that She has done. I have played my part in this dance. I have loved Her, been fascinated by Her, lost my head in insane wrath, lusted for Her and been there for Her. And at times, I have even given up on Her. I have claimed to have figured Her out. I have even fooled myself into believing I’m stronger than Her and need to take care of Her. She has walked out on my childish assumptions and She has smiled and tolerated me through my foolishness. She has indulged my need to be the man in the equation, as long as it suited Her. She has also shot me down for daring to think of Her as an equal, when She was so much more than I could ever imagine.

The years passed and I grew. I did not understand any better. But I did understand that I would never understand. I did understand that understanding is not what I needed. There are things that cannot be taught and cannot be learnt. There are things that are. Like She told me once, the only answer she has to my why is because. And slowly, many miles later, I see what She meant. There is no why. There is only because.

There have been scars. There has been ugliness. But what has endured is the beauty She left in my life. She moulded me into the man I am. She taught me what it is to love. I learnt from Her what complete surrender was. And I realise now that there is no other way to be. No matter how many times She has let me go and I have fallen, I can curl up in my shell for only so long. With a mixture of amused bewilderment and poignant fatalism, I concede that the next time She reaches out to me, I will take Her hand again. And I can only hope She doesn’t let go this time. Because I have walked with Her. And nothing else will do.
Cogito Ergo Finito